I’m about to reach two decades on this planet and I don’t know what love is. I’ve loved, and been loved, but I don’t understand love. Not the kind you get from and give to your family, that automatic feeling of never ending love that would make you take a bullet without a second thought, even when they upset you. That feeling that would never go away no matter how far you stray and for how long. Not that love. And not the love you have for and receive from friends, that feeling of loyalty so strong you never need a reason to do something for them, even when you fight. That “holding hair in a hangover, it’s three a.m. and you’re crying, I’m down for you even when the police roll up” love. Not that love. I’m talking about that significant other love, that “you’re mine and I’m yours” love, that exclusive, illusive, consuming type of love. The one people sing about, write about, talk about. Not the “I can spend the rest of my life with you” love, the “I can’t see my life without you” love, there is a difference, I mean that love. I want someone to break it down like Algebra, into simple concrete steps that never fail to give you an answer if you do it right. Or like chemistry, you mix this chemical with this chemical and BANG, love. Or even like English, if you don’t understand it, use context clues and a dictionary ‘til you get it. But there’s no solid definition of love, or how it should feel, or even what it should look like.
When it’s good, love is like a drug. You get addicted to the high you get. You float around suspended in happiness thinking of that one person when you’re apart and adoring him/her when you’re together. You sit around thinking up new ways to make them happy, new jokes to make them laugh, new stories to interest them. Hearing their name makes your day better. Seeing them lifts your spirits without a word. You’re hearing them speak but the whole time your thinking, “I love the way your lips move when you say things I don’t pay attention to because I’m just thinking about kissing you.”, and then you realize that they asked you a question and you have no idea what they said. You look forward to every day simply because they would be a part of it. It’s damn near magical.
When it’s gone, love is like withdrawal. It even has physical symptoms, your head hurts, you feel nauseous, you feel a weight on your chest, you feel tired and unhappy; I’m surprised there’s no entry on Web MD for a lovectomy, when all or part of someone’s love has been taken from your body. It’s like everything loses life, food loses flavor, colors aren’t as bright, smells aren’t as good. And that’s not poetic, it’s real. I took a break from someone I cared about and it was rainy and gray every day after, cafeteria food was flavorless, which is the norm, but it seemed a lot less tolerable when I was unhappy, and I felt like I was just going through the motions of every day. And don’t get me started on music. You don’t notice how many love songs are on your iPod until you’re trying not to hear one. And every break up song has more meaning, try listening to “Unbreak My Heart” by Toni Braxton, or “I Need You Bad” by Jazmine Sullivan. Now every word is your life story and every chorus is coming straight from your mind.
All of a sudden he or she was the best; the smartest, the funniest, and you will never find another person like them again. So you sit there cycling between depression and anger until you step back and realize how ridiculous it all is. Think about it. Was this person really as faultless as Jesus when you were with them? Or are you idolizing them now that their gone? I’m guessing the latter. And sometimes it wasn’t working for you, but you had invested so much of your heart into it that you didn’t even notice. How do you know when that’s the case? Look at your outgoing calls and texts to that person… now look at the incoming from that person… if it’s pretty heavy on your side; you’re the only one invested. When’s the last time you hung out with them and the sun wasn’t down? If time has gone by without communication who usually contacts who first? I don’t have to tell you what answers mean what. When you give 100% and that person is giving 50 or less, it’s not going to work, and obviously the relationship wasn’t working for one or both of you if it fell apart.
But is this love? You feel high and wonderful and great, and then you feel awful? Why is there no consistency? As far as I know, love feels like a life sentence in Gitmo… except you alternate between spa treatments and water boarding.
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